It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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