tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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