Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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