Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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