Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
