Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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