I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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