i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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