I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
