just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Randomize
