i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
