Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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