True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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