I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
