If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
