so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Acid is not a monday night drug
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
