i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
