I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
