That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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