the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
