I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
