last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
