So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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