You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
