# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
