Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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