I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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