Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Sorry about my life...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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