I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
