Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
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I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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