I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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