It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
