OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
