This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
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Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Let's get the cat blown out
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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