and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
