so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
