I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
