You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
