The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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