Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
