you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
