Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
