i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
