OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
