life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
