Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I could make wine with my vomit
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
