so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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