Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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