I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
