Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
