My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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