I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Randomize
