dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
