Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You pole danced in your parka.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
