the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You took a bar mat shot.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Randomize
