I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
