So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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