cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
