Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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