We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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