you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Still dying that you shit outside
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
