im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
