its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
only if we run a train.
done.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
